Month: July 2019

I had a sweet friend a few years ago who was considerably shorter than me and very athletic. She was a personal trainer and health advisor. Every time I saw her, she was in sweats and tennis shoes. I mean, she wasn’t the traditional trainer in spandex and an itty bitty sports bra looking for attention. She dressed in fashionable matching sets of sweats that were probably from the junior section of her stores of choice, cute stuff. She had an adorable personality to match. But she was frustrated that she was single. She had been married years before and it wasn’t pretty. So, she only cautiously dated, and by the time I met her she had been single for about 25 years.

I was newly married to my current husband, so of course it was all I could talk about. She asked me one day about some advice a friend of hers had given her recently that she wasn’t altogether on board with. So, I listened. Her friend told her that she should dress differently and wear some heels to attract a man. By the time she finished relaying the conversation she had had with her friend, I was pretty sure this was a very misguided friend.

So, here was my advice. It’s still my advice for just about anyone ‘out there’ looking for that potential mate.

BE YOURSELF.

Dating is a road that can send you around blind curves with hidden driveways we never see coming, because we all put on our best when we date. Especially in the beginning when we are getting to know a person, we put on our best behavior, pick the best jokes (sometimes the cleanest, sometimes the not-so-cleanest), we pick the jeans that give us the look we want or we ladies…….come on now, be honest………..wear the push-up bras and maybe false lashes. We don’t reveal the strange family members until MUCH later on. It’s not until quite a bit later that the big reveal happens – when we show our true selves.

Oh, you know the ones I’m talking about. The ones that come home from a long week at work and eat nothing but Bagel Bites and ice cream for dinner, wake up looking like an atom bomb went off in our hair (oh wait, that’s just me), or wear the old yucky sweats with pizza stains on them from years of lounge wear. We save that reveal for when we are comfortable with someone and feel that it’s a safe person to show that side of us to.

Want to know a secret? I didn’t take off my eye make-up for the first five years I was married to my husband. Oh, I took it off every morning in the shower RIGHT BEFORE I put it right back on in my bathroom. Ha! Yep, I was terrified of him finding that made up face he dated, fell in love with, proposed to, and married………different. It was some of the damage I carried from my first disastrous marriage. Never fear! I’ve been completely make-up free at night since then.

So, if there is that much of us being ‘put on’ in order to attract a mate initially, why put on even more confusion by even dressing as someone else would? Why would you want someone who is attracted to something that isn’t who you really are? Let’s say my friend heeded that advice her friend gave her and went out dressed in something sexy and high heels. Say she found a man attracted to the persona she put out there. How long should she keep up with the facade before she shows who she really is? I don’t know.

Maybe he’d fall in love with who she really is on the inside……maybe.

With the divorce rate as high as it is everywhere around us all, why not start off on the right foot by showing who we really are in the beginning, so we don’t have to have the BIG REVEAL? My worry would be that this man that was attracted to the look I had portrayed in the beginning would be looking for that outside of our relationship if I removed that facade later. Maybe that wouldn’t happen, but why take the chance?

Be who you are. Be confident in who you are. Love who you are. Confidence is attractive. Self-assurance (not cocky arrogance) is sexy. Being uncomfortable in your own skin is something that cannot be hidden. It will eventually come out and destroy relationships all around you. Certainly, dress your best. I love to dress up. I also love to wear jeans and a T-shirt. I rarely leave my house without make up and clothes that at least match. It’s who I am. But it’s not who everyone is. I have plenty of friends who totally rock the all-natural look and can truly make the relaxed look be fierce! There’s nothing wrong with taking the time to put your best out there. But make it YOUR best. Don’t be trying to look like anyone but you. The right person will love YOU, not the person you’re trying to look like.

God didn’t make a mistake when He made you. He knew you before you were born. I picture God sitting on His throne dreaming up the perfect you. “I’m going to make this person today. She’ll have these eyes. She’ll have this color hair. It will be this texture. She’ll have this type of body and this type of feet. She’ll have this type of demeanor. Oh, how beautiful she’ll be!” Then, He rejoices over you! He created you in His image and He’s happy with you. He is even happy with the exact way He created you to look. Show Him that He did a good job and be yourself.

I’ve mentioned before that we are a blended family in many ways. When my husband and I first said, “I do,” we began our life with a teenager who lived with us half the time and her mother half the time. There were massive growing pains that we simply had to choose to get through. There were some pretty ugly times, but we have managed to come through to the other side with grace and maturity and a wonderful, strong, happy, love-filled marriage.

One of the things I was reflecting on recently was about the ways my husband and I parent so very differently. I’m all rules all the time. He’s happy with pretty much anything as long as the house doesn’t burn to the ground. (Those are his words, not mine.)

When his daughter would say or do something hurtful as a teenager, he would tell her that she must first apologize to the person she had hurt or offended. She would droop her shoulders and spend a bit of time pouting, but she would eventually suck up her pride and make the necessary steps to apologize. As a teen, they weren’t such heartfelt apologies as they were grudging obedience, but they were apologies none the less. It was a habit that was being established in her life that was to grow and mature into what is now a lovely character trait of hers that she handles so very well.

But back then, I would watch it happen from the outside as the step-mother and just cringe. I never really understood why it really bothered me so much, but I would just hurt for her as I watched her handle her emotions and pride and apologize. I would ask myself why he would require such a thing of her, even though I knew it was the right thing to do. It was my own struggle I was working through. Do you know that feeling I’m talking about? It was that feeling deep in my stomach that would ache for her struggle as I watched it all happen in front of me. I guess some would say I’m an empath. I don’t really know. I just know the revelatory information I have at this point so many years later.

I’m sure my parents made us kids apologize for things, surely. I don’t really remember. It was a very long time ago. I’m old. But what I’ve learned is that I truly stunk at apologizing. I was always searching for the ‘why’ of a situation, seemingly looking for a reason for my behavior. I always thought it was how to find the root of an issue and resolve it. What I was really doing was searching for a way to blame my bad actions on something….anything……just not me. I wasn’t just owning my wrongs and taking the time to suck up my own pride and simply say, “I was wrong. I’m sorry.”

Don’t misunderstand me. There is definitely a time and a place for digging up the root of a problem and dealing with it. It’s the only way to keep the same struggle from popping up over and over. Not dealing with issues is a sure fire way to go head to head with them again, and probably sooner than later. Deal with what needs to be dealt with, but take the time to separate the two issues. Apologizing for being wrong is a priority – or at the very least, makes another person feel the intention of their being a priority. Without apologizing for being wrong and blaming something or someone else, it causes the offended person to feel as if they don’t matter. They’re not even worth the time for a simple apology.

I’ve learned so much in my adult life that I guess I just had to learn the hard way. This is one of those things I had to learn the hard way. I’ve forced my youngest to apologize when she’s wrong. I still feel the same pain for her as she struggles with her pride to come to a place where she can apologize. But now, I can see that she’s coming into a healthy place where she can do it without being forced.

Recently, she had a neighbor friend over to play in our home. My daughter was just grumpy that day, I guess. She wasn’t grumpy before the little girl had come over. I wouldn’t have allowed her to have a friend over if she was grumpy ahead of time. That NEVER goes well with young children. But, she just wasn’t nice to the little friend………AT ALL. Well, of course I brought it to her attention. I also told her she was to apologize and fix her behavior or her friend would have to go home. Oh, the drama of getting to a place where she would apologize. You’d have thought I was telling her to kick a puppy, for crying out loud. Well, eventually she did. It ended well. But what a struggle!

But just the other day a friend of mine witnessed my child’s behavior and casually laughed it off as I “handled her” and “changed her disposition” as we mothers do. When she left, my daughter not only apologized to me but asked if I would call my friend so she could apologize to her as well. HALLELUJAH! I know it’s working. She’ll get there.

I’m not afraid to apologize anymore. It’s never fun, don’t get me wrong. But I do see how different it really is to own up to my faults, my mouth, my facial expressions of wrath (I went there, yes I did). I’m so very imperfect. And it’s ok.