Can You Hear Me Now?

My husband is a one-in-a-million-type of guy. He works so hard to provide for our family, is always ready to help someone in need, is ready and willing to help me with household responsibilities, and is forever working on improvements around our home. He is honest about when he’s tired, but pushes through even when he should be resting many times. He backs me up, even when I’m wrong, in front of others and gently speaks with me about things he doesn’t agree with when we are alone.

I’m as quick as I can be to thank and appreciate him for all he does in every way I can think of. So, when he one day became grumpy and withdrawn from me, I was stunned. I knew something was going on, but I couldn’t read the situation rightly to fix it.

So, after a few days of his behavior, I finished cleaning up after the dinner I had prepared, put our daughter into the bath with a kid movie playing on my tablet, and headed into his office area in our home quietly. I sat down on the floor beside his desk while he stared at his estimates and emails, probably pretending to ignore me. And I asked one simple question, “What’s bothering you?” I was hoping the concern in my voice wouldn’t cause me to use some accusing or panicked tone, which would cause him to immediately withdraw to a battle line formation of defense.

Thankfully, we had been at this marriage things for a while, jumped victoriously over hurdles meant to end us, held tightly together through blustery storms of hurtful behaviors. The ball was then in his court to return gently looking for a pleasant volley or to slam back looking for a mighty overthrow. He calmly, but ever so broodingly, stared at me for what seemed like an eternity. Then he opened gently with how he felt unappreciated for all that he does for us. I was devastated that I had failed. He was right. He does so much for us all so selflessly, and somehow I had left him feeling as if it wasn’t enough.

Return volley. It’s in my court now. Do I return gently, looking for another gentle response and hopeful resolution? Or do I slam him with my defensive responses? I KNOW I’ve appreciated him. I KNOW I’ve thanked him. I KNOW I’ve always been readily and happily available physically and emotionally for him. It’s up to me now.

I chose gentleness. I took a few seconds to gather my emotions that threatened to throw me headlong into battle and attempted to talk our way through figuring out where the breakdown had occurred so we could repair the breach.

I first apologized. No, I hadn’t neglected to thank him, to appreciate him, to be there for him. But somehow, here we were. So, I apologized………FIRST.

I shared what I had thought was my perfect attempt at appreciating him, the times I had said this, done that, gave this. But then I ASKED HIM what he thought was what he needed to be appreciated properly. It turns out that my way of appreciating him and his way of receiving appreciation weren’t the same.

I WAS SPEAKING ONE LANGUAGE. HE WAS SPEAKING ANOTHER.

Here’s a little anecdote from my life to keep you entertained. I had this employee once when I was in the mortgage business. I was the Underwriter/Operations Manager. She was a Loan Officer. She was from Costa Rica and was fluent in Spanish and had quite a few Spanish-speaking clients as a result. Many times, she would come to my desk with her cell phone on her ear relaying a certain set of circumstances to me to see if the ratios and determining factors would work sufficiently toward an approval. Several times, she would be speaking Spanish into the phone and quickly turn to me in English with questions. I don’t speak Spanish. I only know a few words here and there. She would get going so fast sometimes that she would forget to switch from Spanish to English and rattle off a stream of words to me thinking she had made the switch. I would just stare at her and wait for her to figure out that I had no clue what she was saying. We would laugh hysterically sometimes and the client could be heard chuckling on the other end of the phone at us.

WE WEREN’T SPEAKING THE SAME LANGUAGE, SO I DIDN’T HEAR HER.

Back to my husband and me in our dilemma. Many years ago, I had read a hugely popular book called The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. (If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend it.) It outlines the differences we all have in the way we send out and the way we receive love and appreciation. Here are the five ways discussed in detail in that book:

Words of Affirmation

Acts of Service

Receiving Gifts

Quality Time

Physical Touch

I’ve figured out my own love languages. I say languages, plural, because we typically have a primary and secondary set of languages unique to us many times as a result of our own life experiences, family dynamic, and cultural lifestyle. Mine are Acts of Service, primarily, and Quality Time, secondarily. I’m a doer. So, to show my husband my love and appreciation, I will most likely be found preparing a special dinner or planning a date night for time together or finding something fun to do as a family.

His love languages are Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch.

Uh oh. Would my yummy dinner tell him how much I appreciate him if he’s looking for me to verbally praise him? Would my fun family outing say a single thing about how thankful I am for his hard work if he’s looking for me to caress him tenderly? I’m saying, “I love you and all that you do,” and he hears, “It’s dinner time and we are all going out as a family later.” It may not be what I’ve said, but if I’m speaking another language, there’s a breakdown in what he hears. I may as well be speaking German to my handsome French Canadian who only speaks English (he’s French Canadian).

WE WERE SPEAKING TWO DIFFERENT LANGUAGES.

Thankfully, I chose to hear him and not get defensive. We fixed it together. Thankfully, he chose to communicate instead of finding the love and appreciation elsewhere. But, this is where “falling out of love” can sometimes begin. We have to choose to become lifelong learners of our spouses. We have to choose to always be looking for what lies beneath the surface of their emotions (and ours) so that we can become a learned scholar, the very best source for all things ‘him’.

Let’s get back to the book for a moment. You may not be married. You may already apply is information to your marriage. But here’s the amazing thing: this information applies to ALL your relationships. In the workplace, I can use it to see how each individual employee is motivated. While one employee may love to be appreciated in front of the rest of the office staff, another might be appreciated best with a special gift certificate to their favorite restaurant or a monetary bonus. Yet another will be most uplifted by a private office meeting where you tell them how you appreciate their diligence and excellent work ethic. Be careful about the personal touch language in the workplace. It can be handled appropriately with a hand shake, high five, or group huddle. But it can get out of hand easily.

How about in your extended family? My mother’s love language is Gift Giving. She’s exceptional at it. I didn’t know it for years, until I was an adult and learned about these love languages. I always wondered if she was simply trying to buy my affection with stuff when all I had really been looking for was for her to tell me I was doing a great job. What a new relationship once I had figured this out! I had to learn to give quality gifts and how to hear her when she gave me gifts. There are several books by Gary Chapman related to this topic that delve more into specific application. You really should check them out. There are apparently SEVEN love languages of teens! Come on! We all need help with that one!