In the real estate industry, there is an adage that holds especially true here in the area I live in. It applies everywhere, really. It’s all about location when buying, selling, or renting a property. Where is it in relation to shopping, to the best schools, to the beach, to restaurants? What type of neighbors will one see? It’s all about location, location, location!
Well, in marriage (or any relationship, really), it’s all about timing. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens.” And it’s so true. There is a time to have a conversation about what you want your wedding to look like and where. Spoiler alert: it’s NOT on your first date. There’s a time for a first kiss. There’s a time for shopping for wedding rings. This is another that should NOT happen on the first date.
In all seriousness, there’s a time to talk. I’ll give you a window into my personality. In case you haven’t noticed from my previous blog posts, I’m a wordy individual. My personality type needs to process information verbally. Faced with a decision of any magnitude, I need to talk it out in order to make a rational decision. If there is a struggle between myself and another, I really need to have a discussion to work through it and then talk it out with the person I’m at odds with. At the end of the day, I need to verbally spill the contents of my day before I am able to relax.
My husband has grown to accept this as reality, both the good and the bad sides of it. He will always know how I feel, because I have to talk about it. He will always know what I would enjoy receiving as a gift, because I’ve most likely told him about it with some excitement. When I’m upset with him, I’ve learned to calmly talk with him about it to come to an acceptable understanding between us.
Here is one aspect of this personality……..quirk, shall we say……..that was difficult for him to accept as a life-long reality. Here is how our end of day greeting would go:
Me: Hi, honey! Welcome home! (Kiss kiss)
Him: Hi, baby. How—
Me: So I was thinking earlier, I mean after we got back from gymnastics, about which camp to sign her up for this summer. The horseback riding camp costs this much for these days and the gymnastics camp runs all summer but costs this much. I think she’d really enjoy the science camp at this place, but it costs this much and sometimes she doesn’t like the structured camps so much for that long. I don’t know. What do you think?
Him: (standing in the living room still holding his brief case and lunchbox) Umm……
Me: I know, right? It’s a really tough one. Well, when we had lunch – oh, and she loves the new chicken fingers I made for her from the panko breading I found, cool, huh? – anyway, I asked her which she was interested in and she likes the horse camp but wants to keep doing karate, too.
Him: Uh huh.
Me: Dinner will be ready in about 30 minutes.
Him: Ok. Um. Ok.
So, this was a normal discussion when my poor, exhausted husband walked in the door in the evening. I had six conversations ready to blast in his direction and he had just walked in the door. Oh, and don’t forget our 6-year-old jumping all over him looking for him to play-play-play!
Here is what I had to learn about my husband. After a day filled with being demanded upon, on job sites, hundreds of phone calls, hundreds more texts and emails, he comes to his sanctuary looking to unwind and relax. But here I am looking for him to be ready for my barrage of discussions when he immediately walks through our door. He needs time to wash the day off in a hot shower. He needs to go to the bathroom in peace. He needs to change into clothes that make him feel relaxed and comfortable before putting on his dad and husband hats at the end of the day. Once these things have happened, he emerges from the master suite refreshed and ready for a kiss and ready to hear me.
I had to learn this need of his. He’s had to learn that I still need him to listen at the end of the day to me processing my day. He’s got this uncanny ability to listen-ish. He basically hears my words. He can even repeat them back to me. But they don’t actually make it into the processing parts of his brain. This is NOT the time to tell him visitors are coming. He will not remember and will be upset that I’ve somehow sprung it on him. We do have a little cheat-type agreement about it, though. I just need him to LOOK like he’s listening intently, hanging on my every word. He does his listening-ish thing and he waits for certain buzz words that tell him it’s important to really hear it. If he hears, “I still don’t know what to do,” or “My mom called today,” or, “She’s really upset,” he knows it’s an important part of the conversation that I really need him to give me his attention. I’m confident enough that he cares and he’s confident enough that Im not trying to trick him when he’s not paying close attention.
I’ve learned another little-big thing about timing when it comes to relationships recently I’d like to share with you. It’s about texting. I love being able to communicate throughout the day with my husband. It’s almost as if he’s sharing parts of the day with me. I began texting him about what our daughter and I were doing, where we were going, what her homeschool lessons were and how she did with them. I’d send him pictures and tell him about things going on around the home.
By the time he got home, I had nothing left to say face to face. I had texted it all to him. I learned that I needed to save our conversations for face to face. Personally, I think meaningful communication as an art form is being lost to emoji faces, picture memes, selfies, and poorly constructed (and spelled) texts. We need to keep talking to one another face to face as often as we can.
Don’t get me wrong. I still text. I just keep it to either an important communication, emergency information, or love note. It accomplishes two things. One, it gives us something to talk about at the end of the day over dinner so our daughter can be included in our conversation. And two, it doesn’t interrupt his work day, causing him to get home later than he could be otherwise.
COMMUNICATION IS TO A MARRIAGE WHAT BLOOD IS TO THE BODY. There is life in the blood, and there is life in communication in a marriage. What do you need? What does he need? Find your own language together.