Author: Tracy Gauthier

Netflix and chill – Binge watching – Family Sitcoms

I have watched so much over the years. I love to laugh. I’m not much on sappy “chick flicks” or horror. (I’m going to really show my age here) I’ve seen ALL the Friends episodes and Everybody Loves Raymond. Mad About You was a steady one, too. I watched pretty much all the Shows and movies where the wife basically is the one who carries the family and the husband is portrayed as the resident idiot who knows nothing about marriage or family matters. He’s only really there to provide and procreate, seemingly.

Society is walking it out, too. It seems we are in an all-out war against family unity, beginning with the heads of the family, the husband and wife.

A lesson I’ve had to learn the hard way (ok, the most horrible way) is that our words have power. They can build someone to greatness or tear them down to worthless pieces. I’m sure we’ve all heard the saying, “It’s not what you say but how you say it.” It’s one of the most humbling lessons I’ve had to learn in my life. But it’s oh so very important.

I’ve written, re-written, edited, deleted, and yet again re-written this blog post. Every time I think I’ve gotten the right words put together, I realize there’s more. There is just so much more to say! Here it is. I want to talk about honor and respect. We are totally missing it in our culture. Oh, I’m not talking about being politically correct and tip-toeing around overly sensitive people. No, I’m talking about using the love we have for our spouses to give them a sense that they are respected within their homes as husbands and fathers.

When someone asks me to commit to a particular date and time, my response is usually that I need to check with my husband. Occasionally, I’ll get some pretty strange looks as a response. In 2019, do I seriously need to ask PERMISSION from my husband to commit to do something? No. I’m simply showing him respect by including him in the decision. I know my husband. He doesn’t want to control me. Nor does he have any reason to deny me whatever I choose to do. But to include him in the decision before I commit means that I respect him and his role in our marriage.

When we are with friends, I don’t playfully banter much with my husband. By that I mean that I don’t tease him in fun. Those that we are with may not know that we have our own way of playing and may see it as me tearing him down in front of others. So, I don’t do it.

Let’s bring that back into the home. We women are VERY skilled at what I like to call backhanded comments. Oh, they’re playful and innocent……ish. Yes, I’m giggling like it’s all in fun………ish. But there’s usually a demeaning intent to our jabs, even in fun.

Let’s see, a dishwasher commercial comes on the tv and the husband suggests that the old, beat up dishwasher in your kitchen may need to be replaced and maybe this one being advertised is a good consideration for a replacement because of its well-organized utensil tray. Your response? “Why this one? You don’t use the tray we’ve got now.” This would typically be followed by an eye roll and a somewhat playful giggle to let him know you’re just teasing……..ish. It’s not about the dishwasher. Pick a topic, really. How often are you ‘playfully’ teasing your spouse about his behavior and habits?

You’re getting the kids ready to go and your husband helpfully grabs the kids’ shoes. One of the kids complains that those aren’t the right shoes. Your response? “Oh, Daddy doesn’t know anything. Just take them from him and get the right ones.” Or this one that happens in my home. My child usually can be heard saying, “Mommy doesn’t do it that way. That’s wrong.” How many of us follow up with, “That’s right, baby. You tell him,” instead of, “Daddy isn’t doing it wrong. He’s just different than Mommy. Different is ok and even better sometimes. Daddy comes up with all kinds of great stuff that’s different than Mommy.” How often are you ‘playfully’ teasing your spouse about their abilities? How often are we landing a ‘playful’ jab in our spouse’s heart leaving them feeling emasculated and unnecessary?

I’m going to touch on a sensitive subject that needs to be touched….repeatedly. Money. I’m a bookkeeper, musician, wife of a small business owner, daughter of a banker and small business owner. I’m comfortable talking about money. If you and your spouse are not sitting down at least once a year to set up a household budget broken down by weeks, yearly goals, and future planning, you need to seriously consider doing so. That’s not what I wanted to talk about, though.

It’s about spending. So, you’ve got a job and you can spend any way you want. It’s your hard-earned money. I think I mentioned before that you don’t need PERMISSION to spend anything. Welcome to America in 2019. But how much more valued will your spouse feel if you stuck to the plan you set in place TOGETHER to accomplish your goals and dreams TOGETHER than if you set out on your own to spend as you feel?

I’ve read that the two main reasons for divorce are sex and money. It’s a big deal to come together and decide together to spend a certain way TOGETHER. I know, it was really repetitive and slightly annoying. But it’s what’s really important. Does this mean you need to check with your spouse every time you get ready to buy a new shirt or go grocery shopping? No, of course not. But the respect comes when you are keeping him and your marriage in mind as you spend. When you can come together regularly for that planning and see how you’ve respected each other by keeping your united plan in mind, the honor cup is overflowing!

So, what about the dreamers? My husband is so very not a dreamer. He’s a realist. But more than that, he’s an entrepreneur. His heart and soul are created to build businesses, so sometimes he comes up with a business idea with excitement. It’s taken him quite some time to open up and share those ideas with me. He’s learned to trust that I’m not going to burst his dream bubble. But I’ve had to learn not to burst it.

How about this:

Husband: Babe, I’ve got this great idea for a gluten free bakery. There isn’t one locally, even anything closer than Tampa. We could sell to local grocery stores and really flood the market.

***Enter me, wife, bookkeeper, analytical***

Wife: Seriously?! You don’t even bake! Did you know most restaurants and food service businesses fail within the first three years? Who would do the baking? It’s pretty much an all night baking and all day selling type of thing. So, what about us? It takes years to build a business. What about a profit? Just the machines alone you’d need to even buy in the beginning would be thousands of dollars, not to mention paying bakers and storefront people and storefront rental. Come on!

Husband: *sigh*

***what should have been my response***

Wife: That sounds interesting. Have you thought much about the logistics of it yet? It could be great if we do it right with the right resources.

Husband is now open to discussion and is not crushed, dejected, emasculated. He has support from his wife, who is thinking WITH him instead of REJECTING him. It has lowered his defenses and helped him dream with you. If he doesn’t have a safe place, he WILL NOT share his innermost desires and dreams with you. Society has TOTALLY taken away his safe place and he NEEDS you to create one for him.

This is a place of power that can be abused if you make that poor decision. We must wake up every day and decide to use our powers for good and not evil, to grow our marriages into fruitful and lifelong love affairs.

If I asked my husband if it’s important for me to ask about our schedule when I’m invited somewhere, he’d say no. If I asked him about whether or not I should buy a new shirt, he’d tell me just to do whatever makes me happy. I don’t think it’s about each of these things being specifically a formula for respecting our husbands. But the countless little things that show we are considering them, their feelings, their importance, their role in the family are what really make the husband feel honored. Most husbands have no intention to control or micromanage us as wives. They just want to feel honored and respected.

It’s our job to lift them up as the husbands who are called to lead our families. We want a strong man we can respect. But how much of our time is spent really disrespecting and breaking his will? It’s just something to think about.

In the real estate industry, there is an adage that holds especially true here in the area I live in. It applies everywhere, really. It’s all about location when buying, selling, or renting a property. Where is it in relation to shopping, to the best schools, to the beach, to restaurants? What type of neighbors will one see? It’s all about location, location, location!

Well, in marriage (or any relationship, really), it’s all about timing. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens.” And it’s so true. There is a time to have a conversation about what you want your wedding to look like and where. Spoiler alert: it’s NOT on your first date. There’s a time for a first kiss. There’s a time for shopping for wedding rings. This is another that should NOT happen on the first date.

In all seriousness, there’s a time to talk. I’ll give you a window into my personality. In case you haven’t noticed from my previous blog posts, I’m a wordy individual. My personality type needs to process information verbally. Faced with a decision of any magnitude, I need to talk it out in order to make a rational decision. If there is a struggle between myself and another, I really need to have a discussion to work through it and then talk it out with the person I’m at odds with. At the end of the day, I need to verbally spill the contents of my day before I am able to relax.

My husband has grown to accept this as reality, both the good and the bad sides of it. He will always know how I feel, because I have to talk about it. He will always know what I would enjoy receiving as a gift, because I’ve most likely told him about it with some excitement. When I’m upset with him, I’ve learned to calmly talk with him about it to come to an acceptable understanding between us.

Here is one aspect of this personality……..quirk, shall we say……..that was difficult for him to accept as a life-long reality. Here is how our end of day greeting would go:

Me: Hi, honey! Welcome home! (Kiss kiss)

Him: Hi, baby. How—

Me: So I was thinking earlier, I mean after we got back from gymnastics, about which camp to sign her up for this summer. The horseback riding camp costs this much for these days and the gymnastics camp runs all summer but costs this much. I think she’d really enjoy the science camp at this place, but it costs this much and sometimes she doesn’t like the structured camps so much for that long. I don’t know. What do you think?

Him: (standing in the living room still holding his brief case and lunchbox) Umm……

Me: I know, right? It’s a really tough one. Well, when we had lunch – oh, and she loves the new chicken fingers I made for her from the panko breading I found, cool, huh? – anyway, I asked her which she was interested in and she likes the horse camp but wants to keep doing karate, too.

Him: Uh huh.

Me: Dinner will be ready in about 30 minutes.

Him: Ok. Um. Ok.

So, this was a normal discussion when my poor, exhausted husband walked in the door in the evening. I had six conversations ready to blast in his direction and he had just walked in the door. Oh, and don’t forget our 6-year-old jumping all over him looking for him to play-play-play!

Here is what I had to learn about my husband. After a day filled with being demanded upon, on job sites, hundreds of phone calls, hundreds more texts and emails, he comes to his sanctuary looking to unwind and relax. But here I am looking for him to be ready for my barrage of discussions when he immediately walks through our door. He needs time to wash the day off in a hot shower. He needs to go to the bathroom in peace. He needs to change into clothes that make him feel relaxed and comfortable before putting on his dad and husband hats at the end of the day. Once these things have happened, he emerges from the master suite refreshed and ready for a kiss and ready to hear me.

I had to learn this need of his. He’s had to learn that I still need him to listen at the end of the day to me processing my day. He’s got this uncanny ability to listen-ish. He basically hears my words. He can even repeat them back to me. But they don’t actually make it into the processing parts of his brain. This is NOT the time to tell him visitors are coming. He will not remember and will be upset that I’ve somehow sprung it on him. We do have a little cheat-type agreement about it, though. I just need him to LOOK like he’s listening intently, hanging on my every word. He does his listening-ish thing and he waits for certain buzz words that tell him it’s important to really hear it. If he hears, “I still don’t know what to do,” or “My mom called today,” or, “She’s really upset,” he knows it’s an important part of the conversation that I really need him to give me his attention. I’m confident enough that he cares and he’s confident enough that Im not trying to trick him when he’s not paying close attention.

I’ve learned another little-big thing about timing when it comes to relationships recently I’d like to share with you. It’s about texting. I love being able to communicate throughout the day with my husband. It’s almost as if he’s sharing parts of the day with me. I began texting him about what our daughter and I were doing, where we were going, what her homeschool lessons were and how she did with them. I’d send him pictures and tell him about things going on around the home.

By the time he got home, I had nothing left to say face to face. I had texted it all to him. I learned that I needed to save our conversations for face to face. Personally, I think meaningful communication as an art form is being lost to emoji faces, picture memes, selfies, and poorly constructed (and spelled) texts. We need to keep talking to one another face to face as often as we can.

Don’t get me wrong. I still text. I just keep it to either an important communication, emergency information, or love note. It accomplishes two things. One, it gives us something to talk about at the end of the day over dinner so our daughter can be included in our conversation. And two, it doesn’t interrupt his work day, causing him to get home later than he could be otherwise.

COMMUNICATION IS TO A MARRIAGE WHAT BLOOD IS TO THE BODY. There is life in the blood, and there is life in communication in a marriage. What do you need? What does he need? Find your own language together.

When I was a child, I can remember my mom telling me about her memories of her parents going out on date nights when she was a child. She remembers hearing her mother scheduling the babysitter days in advance. It was usually a Friday night when they’d go out, so she would watch her mother put on nice clothes and sit at the kitchen table painting clear polish on her nails to look pretty and fancy for my Grandpa. They would go out to dinner and dance the night away while my mom and her brother played with the babysitter until they were put to bed.

Then I have my own memories of my own parents making their date nights happen. We had some fun babysitters to choose from, some older cousins and some local teenaged girls who would watch us. I’m pretty sure one local teen girl in particular is the reason I don’t like potatoes. Who knows? My baby book says I was about 18 months old when I stopped liking them. The irony is that my adopted daughter was 18 months old when she stopped liking them!

When we kids got older and were involved in various activities, date nights still happened for them. But I remember them sometimes having to be put off for football games and band competitions and concerts. It’s the life of any parent. I totally get it. Kids need our supportive parental presence in their lives and in their interests. My daughter is 6 1/2 (don’t forget the half! She’ll quickly remind you of it, lest you neglect). She’s involved in Tae Kwon Do, gymnastics, horseback riding, American Heritage Girls, church activities, CHEACC, play dates. We have family dinners once a week with our oldest daughter who lives on her own. We fit in as many trips to visit my family as we can, spend time with my in-laws as often as we can, volunteer at our church, help friends in need, get together with friends socially, maybe not as often as we’d like.

We are busy. It’s kind of the typical life of an American family these days, good or bad. But our kids are also learning how to be married by watching us. I want my daughters to have the very best marriages, so I have to be seriously intent about showing them how.

But we are pointedly, directly, intentionally scheduling date nights for us as a couple. Why, you ask? It’s not like we aren’t together all the time. It’s not like we don’t talk, well sort of talk…..in between events……..once the bath/bedtime routine stars………we kind of say hi. It won’t be long, after all, that my little girl won’t need my constant attention and I’ll miss those tiny hugs and demands from the other room to find her lost unicorn.

I’ll blink, and she’ll be grown. I’ll blink and this will be gone. I’ll be in the next phase of life with adult kids and aging issues and grandkids. But, what kind of relationship will I have with my spouse by then? Oh, he knows I love him. I’m ready whenever he’s ready physically. I cook nightly dinners for my family out of the love I have for them all. I give him a peck on the lips when he leaves for work and when he comes home.

He knows I love him……doesn’t he?

I’ve heard of so many married couples who divorce after 25-30 years of a marriage that appears on the outside to be marital bliss. I’ve heard of yet others who resort to infidelity when they feel left out or ignored. I mean, they’re doing life together and loving their families together. Somehow, they’ve come together to make the babies, so you know there was a connection there at the start. How is it possible?

I know that one reason is that they grow apart, because they haven’t taken the time to connect regularly. I’m not talking about physical connection. Sexual intimacy is important, fun, and a great blessing in a marriage. But it won’t carry a marriage relationship without non-sexual intimacy. There has to be more to our marriages than sex and doing things for our kids. If we don’t make a concerted effort, suddenly we will discover that we don’t even recognize the person we married so many years ago who has grown, evolved, and matured without our being part of it. Who is this person I’m living with? After the kids are gone, there better be relationship still left or we will be empty and removed from our spouses and confused as to why. It’s a real problem with a real solution.

DATE! Do you remember the butterflies in our tummies when we first met and fell for our hottie spouse? Do you remember the stolen glances and the fiery touches, the deep conversations where you shared your dreams for the future, your innermost desires and dreams? It was happening because you were alone together and talking with intent about each other and sharing your souls with each other. We didn’t just set the timer and go to dinner in time to get back to let the babysitter go and get back to life. No, we relished in each other’s presence. We examined every feature of our loved one, getting to know their faces, their body language, the language of their soul.

I’ve mentioned twice now the soul connection. We are each made up of three parts. We are Body, Soul, and Spirit. Body is kind of self-explanatory. It’s our physical presence, our appearance, our muscles, bones, skin, and hair. Our Soul is made up of our mind, will, and emotions. It’s our thoughts and desires, our feelings. Our Spirit is who we are created to be by God. It’s not changeable, except in relation to the development of our connection to or removal from God.

So, the soul connection we felt in the beginning was established through our emotions. We all know not to be led and directed by our emotions, but they are a part of us as created by God to connect us to life and to people. We can be controlled by our emotions and allow them to keep us flitting from job to job, relationship to relationship, investment to investment, leaving us driven by the wind, seemingly. Or we can choose to FEEL our emotions and acknowledge them, and use them to connect to life without letting them CONTROL our lives.

We have to be intentional about establishing and strengthening the emotional connection with our spouses over time so that the growing, evolving, and maturing process that happens naturally to us all throughout our lives doesn’t leave our loved ones behind in blind bewilderment to the changes.

I can hear you now. “Great, lady. So, you’re telling me to go clubbing and drinking and partying with my spouse like when we met. I don’t see how that will get us anywhere.” You’re right. That’s not connecting. If that’s how you found each other, that’s fine. It was a start. Whatever start you had, now you have to determine to grow together. It won’t happen if you don’t spend time together talking and enjoying each other’s company.

I like dreaming with my husband. He’s heard me ask crazy questions like, “If money was no object, where would you live? What country? What type of climate? What type of house?” In the beginning, he would get quiet and wonder if I was dissatisfied with where we lived and our home. I had to communicate that I love our home and where we live and have no desire to move. He had to trust that my dreaming was just my way of climbing into his mind and making a little camp for myself to be kind of on a conference call with his thoughts. You know, a conference call is where more than one person in more than one location is on one phone call sharing information. Men typically are not good communicators. It’s just not what society has decided is important to equip our young men with. So, I’ve had to learn to be creative in figuring out how his mind works. When I’m tired and feeling less creative, I may ask a simple question that he’s learned is my way of wanting to connect with his thoughts. I ask, “What do you think?” It’s not intended to find any one thing or address any one topic. It’s just a plea for connection to his Soul – his mind, his will, and his emotions.

Have you had this conversation? “Hi, honey. How was your day?” (You’re reaching out for conversation.) “Fine.” “Were you able to get the job you bid for?” (You are showing you paid attention to his work concerns.) “Yep.” “What did you get for lunch.” (You’re just reaching out for something, anything.” “Ham sandwich.” You give up, felling dejected.

Maybe woman are really from Venus and men are from Mars. Maybe men only get 5,000 words a day and women get 10,000,000……(ok, I exaggerated, a little…..sort of). Either way, you’re at a standstill in communication with your beloved. What on earth would you talk about on a date night, anyway? Well, I’m not saying it’s your fault. I’m actually saying that I see your effort. I identify with your struggle. I’ve had to learn (and am still learning, ever so slowly) about the difference between open-ended questions and closed.

“Hi, honey. How was your day?” Closed. He’s only thinking fine or not fine.

“Hi, honey. Welcome home. What was the highlight of your day today?” Open. He’s got to think and answer something more.

“Were you able to get the job you bid for?” Closed. It’s a yes or no answer.

“I was praying for you and the job you bid for today. Tell me how the conversation played out with the client and if he accepted the bid.” Open. He’s got to replay the events of the day with you.

“What did you eat for lunch.” Closed. It’s a ham sandwich kind of question.

“I went to the store today and got your favorite for dinner tonight, since I know you probably had a ham sandwich for lunch. It’s a great evening to celebrate your hard work for this family, my love.” Oh, you’ve really started the ball rolling now!

So, you’re too busy to get an official date night away from the kids. You’re financially too strapped to afford a babysitter and don’t live anywhere any family can step in for free to help. What to do? What to do? Oh, the horror! (Just kidding. I can hear my little one watching Word Girl in the background and it makes me kind of silly.)

I have some creative ideas for you. You may feel a little silly. You may even get a little laugh out of each other. But really, isn’t that one of the goals, to smile, to enjoy time together? So, your date night starts like this:

* There is an afternoon soccer game for one of your children and you all attend. During the game, see how many quick winks you can steal in your spouse’s direction. How many times can you reach over and touch his hand or his leg gently looking into his eyes?

* After the game, it’s time to take the family to Red Robin for burgers and ice cream. You can take a little risk and see if you can order for your spouse, showing how well you know them. (Be careful! This could backfire and show what you NEED to know.) Or you can share a dessert, stealing loving glances over the edge of the yumminess.

* Now, everyone is back home…..exhausted and sweaty. It’s bath time for the kids and unwind time for mom and dad. If the kids are at a safe age to be left alone for moments at a time, steal a passionate kiss and walk away with a coy smile. See how many times you can run into the room where your spouse is and give a playful kiss on the neck.

* The kids are in bed and the house is finally quiet. What to do, what to do? Hmmmm……..

It’s ok that date nights are occasionally thwarted by life. It happens. Just don’t let life thwart your marriage. Once the kids are gone, your marriage needs to be strong and ready for the changes to come. You can do it! Just remember, if you don’t, you’ll blink and it will be all gone. Connect. Communicate. Don’t just become two ships passing in the mist of life.

When I was growing up, both my parents worked. They worked hard. My dad didn’t (doesn’t) cook. Well, let’s be truly honest here. He makes the world’s best bacon and over easy eggs. I’m pretty sure it’s the bacon grease that’s as old as I am, but it’s the yummiest stuff there is! But the rest of the kitchen is my mom’s territory. She’s an amazing cook now, gourmet meals and creative recipes all the time. But when she was a corporate working mother of two, traveling a lot, breaking glass ceilings in the banking industry, being band parent, Girl Scout parent, going to parent-teacher conferences, the food was less than amazing.

Sorry, Mom!

Don’t get me wrong. We always had healthy, home cooked meals with fresh vegetables and grocery store meats. We didn’t do processed foods much, but definitely had the occasional pizza night. We are all very healthy, thanks to her and grandma.

Where it got troublesome was when we didn’t eat it all during dinner and it went into the lovely mismatched plastic butter dishes and lived in the refrigerator………..waiting to become…………the dreaded leftover night dinner. It was squishy vegetables heated in the microwave. It was dry meat….heated in that microwave. Or the worst ever for me since I so hate it………dump soup! Dump soup is a wet, clumpy conglomeration of anything that needs to be used in the refrigerator before it goes bad put into a pot and covered with chicken stock and heated…….again…….to be even more squishy and tasting…..squishy.

To this day, I struggle to eat the leftovers of what I make. I’m a very good home cook. Those leftovers……I just can’t. I’m a grown woman. And I just can’t. Sometimes I do. But I never look forward to it.

Let’s look at this idea of leftovers when it comes to people. Many of us work outside the home. We have to muster the patience to deal with inept coworkers, demanding bosses, cranky customers. We do it with a smile. We sympathize with emotional outbursts our coworkers share. We go to the grocery store and have to deal with that parking lot insanity, careful not to lose our temper when the last spot cannot be accessed because someone just couldn’t make it the 25 feet to the cart return area and left a grocery cart in the parking spot. We slump our shoulders and smile weakly at the deli worker who struggles to hear our order for the fourth time over the crowded store noise. We even say, “Oh, excuse me,” when someone carelessly crashes into our own grocery cart in the crowded aisles. We keep our composure when our kids push our last buttons and then innocently look up to us for a hug. We get excited at the kids’ soccer game and bring the post-game snacks for the team, smiling as if we have life together.

By the time we walk into the house after our day of whatever we do, we are emotionally spent. There’s just not much left, right? I get it. I’m a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom. I am my husband’s bookkeeper/payroll/tax person. By the time my husband gets home, I’m exhausted.

He knows and understands why I’m grumpy and short-tempered with him, why I haven’t really listened intently to his account of his day and his struggles. I’ve had my own. He probably smiles lovingly when I fall asleep from exhaustion before he gets to our marriage bed. Well, at least he should…….right?

We have these friends, Eddie and Kathleen, who shared with us a truth bomb that really changed our marriage. Here it is: Our spouses should NEVER get the ‘leftovers’ of us, whatever dregs we have left of ourselves after our trying day doing life. They should get – they DESERVE – our best. If I can muster up the grace to politely respond to a grocery cashier, my husband should get more grace than any other human on the planet. He’s the other half of ME.

Here’s why it’s oh so important. How hurt and dejected are we when he doesn’t have the grace for us after his day? How does it feel when he’s grumpy after his day? Personally, I think it kind of sucks. I feel unimportant and as if whatever has gone on in his day takes my place.

Now, how do you think he feels if I’ve got nothing but dregs left of me to give him? I should be the MOST patient with him. I should be the MOST forgiving of him. I should be the MOST gentle with him. He should get the VERY BEST of EVERYTHING I have. He’s my husband. I chose him. He chose me. I put him first when we recited our vows.

What might that look like to walk out in everyday life?

Well, if going to the gym causes you to be too physically exhausted to be there for him physically, you may need to rethink your routine. Maybe gym time can be together time. Many gyms have childcare included in the cost of membership. Give him that cute wink across the gym, letting him know he’s still your one and only.

If your kids demand that they have THAT outfit clean for school tomorrow, that they won’t eat the food you prepared and want something different, a friend wants you to hang out when your family needs your time, things may need to shift.

Unless your children are toddlers, they can learn to do laundry. If they can operate a smart phone and/or tablet, they can handle a washer and dryer. If they won’t, they’ll probably find something else to wear. Distribute the responsibilities. Don’t allow yourself to be a voluntary slave. Don’t allow your kids to grow up thinking someone else will always be there to do things for them. Give them the tools they need for life. They don’t have to do your delicates or the entire family’s laundry. But they can handle it.

The food you put on the table needs to be what your family eats. If someone isn’t satisfied, they can learn to cook. Again, you’d be amazed at how young your kids can be to be able to make their own PB&J. Suddenly, your food will look incredibly appetizing. Or maybe they’ll take on a night of their own to prepare a family meal. My 6-year-old can make a mean sloppy joe pizza!

Friends must respect your family responsibilities. Your family comes first. Yes, things happen and you need to be there for your friends. But when your family needs you, be there for them. It will be soon enough that they will push you away if you choose hanging with friends over them.

You are in control of your life and your schedule.

Put the priorities in proper order.

First, God.

Second, family.

Third, the world.

We gave our spouses the very best of us when we were dating and looking for more. We took extra time to make our hair look amazing, looked anxiously at our phones for a text or phone call from them at all hours. We listened with wide eyes to every account of every day when we got together letting them know they were the most important person on the planet. Don’t give up and let them become a passing ship. Become partners in life. Give them your very best and not just those reheated, squishy, yucky leftovers. It’s worth it.

My husband is a one-in-a-million-type of guy. He works so hard to provide for our family, is always ready to help someone in need, is ready and willing to help me with household responsibilities, and is forever working on improvements around our home. He is honest about when he’s tired, but pushes through even when he should be resting many times. He backs me up, even when I’m wrong, in front of others and gently speaks with me about things he doesn’t agree with when we are alone.

I’m as quick as I can be to thank and appreciate him for all he does in every way I can think of. So, when he one day became grumpy and withdrawn from me, I was stunned. I knew something was going on, but I couldn’t read the situation rightly to fix it.

So, after a few days of his behavior, I finished cleaning up after the dinner I had prepared, put our daughter into the bath with a kid movie playing on my tablet, and headed into his office area in our home quietly. I sat down on the floor beside his desk while he stared at his estimates and emails, probably pretending to ignore me. And I asked one simple question, “What’s bothering you?” I was hoping the concern in my voice wouldn’t cause me to use some accusing or panicked tone, which would cause him to immediately withdraw to a battle line formation of defense.

Thankfully, we had been at this marriage things for a while, jumped victoriously over hurdles meant to end us, held tightly together through blustery storms of hurtful behaviors. The ball was then in his court to return gently looking for a pleasant volley or to slam back looking for a mighty overthrow. He calmly, but ever so broodingly, stared at me for what seemed like an eternity. Then he opened gently with how he felt unappreciated for all that he does for us. I was devastated that I had failed. He was right. He does so much for us all so selflessly, and somehow I had left him feeling as if it wasn’t enough.

Return volley. It’s in my court now. Do I return gently, looking for another gentle response and hopeful resolution? Or do I slam him with my defensive responses? I KNOW I’ve appreciated him. I KNOW I’ve thanked him. I KNOW I’ve always been readily and happily available physically and emotionally for him. It’s up to me now.

I chose gentleness. I took a few seconds to gather my emotions that threatened to throw me headlong into battle and attempted to talk our way through figuring out where the breakdown had occurred so we could repair the breach.

I first apologized. No, I hadn’t neglected to thank him, to appreciate him, to be there for him. But somehow, here we were. So, I apologized………FIRST.

I shared what I had thought was my perfect attempt at appreciating him, the times I had said this, done that, gave this. But then I ASKED HIM what he thought was what he needed to be appreciated properly. It turns out that my way of appreciating him and his way of receiving appreciation weren’t the same.

I WAS SPEAKING ONE LANGUAGE. HE WAS SPEAKING ANOTHER.

Here’s a little anecdote from my life to keep you entertained. I had this employee once when I was in the mortgage business. I was the Underwriter/Operations Manager. She was a Loan Officer. She was from Costa Rica and was fluent in Spanish and had quite a few Spanish-speaking clients as a result. Many times, she would come to my desk with her cell phone on her ear relaying a certain set of circumstances to me to see if the ratios and determining factors would work sufficiently toward an approval. Several times, she would be speaking Spanish into the phone and quickly turn to me in English with questions. I don’t speak Spanish. I only know a few words here and there. She would get going so fast sometimes that she would forget to switch from Spanish to English and rattle off a stream of words to me thinking she had made the switch. I would just stare at her and wait for her to figure out that I had no clue what she was saying. We would laugh hysterically sometimes and the client could be heard chuckling on the other end of the phone at us.

WE WEREN’T SPEAKING THE SAME LANGUAGE, SO I DIDN’T HEAR HER.

Back to my husband and me in our dilemma. Many years ago, I had read a hugely popular book called The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. (If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend it.) It outlines the differences we all have in the way we send out and the way we receive love and appreciation. Here are the five ways discussed in detail in that book:

Words of Affirmation

Acts of Service

Receiving Gifts

Quality Time

Physical Touch

I’ve figured out my own love languages. I say languages, plural, because we typically have a primary and secondary set of languages unique to us many times as a result of our own life experiences, family dynamic, and cultural lifestyle. Mine are Acts of Service, primarily, and Quality Time, secondarily. I’m a doer. So, to show my husband my love and appreciation, I will most likely be found preparing a special dinner or planning a date night for time together or finding something fun to do as a family.

His love languages are Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch.

Uh oh. Would my yummy dinner tell him how much I appreciate him if he’s looking for me to verbally praise him? Would my fun family outing say a single thing about how thankful I am for his hard work if he’s looking for me to caress him tenderly? I’m saying, “I love you and all that you do,” and he hears, “It’s dinner time and we are all going out as a family later.” It may not be what I’ve said, but if I’m speaking another language, there’s a breakdown in what he hears. I may as well be speaking German to my handsome French Canadian who only speaks English (he’s French Canadian).

WE WERE SPEAKING TWO DIFFERENT LANGUAGES.

Thankfully, I chose to hear him and not get defensive. We fixed it together. Thankfully, he chose to communicate instead of finding the love and appreciation elsewhere. But, this is where “falling out of love” can sometimes begin. We have to choose to become lifelong learners of our spouses. We have to choose to always be looking for what lies beneath the surface of their emotions (and ours) so that we can become a learned scholar, the very best source for all things ‘him’.

Let’s get back to the book for a moment. You may not be married. You may already apply is information to your marriage. But here’s the amazing thing: this information applies to ALL your relationships. In the workplace, I can use it to see how each individual employee is motivated. While one employee may love to be appreciated in front of the rest of the office staff, another might be appreciated best with a special gift certificate to their favorite restaurant or a monetary bonus. Yet another will be most uplifted by a private office meeting where you tell them how you appreciate their diligence and excellent work ethic. Be careful about the personal touch language in the workplace. It can be handled appropriately with a hand shake, high five, or group huddle. But it can get out of hand easily.

How about in your extended family? My mother’s love language is Gift Giving. She’s exceptional at it. I didn’t know it for years, until I was an adult and learned about these love languages. I always wondered if she was simply trying to buy my affection with stuff when all I had really been looking for was for her to tell me I was doing a great job. What a new relationship once I had figured this out! I had to learn to give quality gifts and how to hear her when she gave me gifts. There are several books by Gary Chapman related to this topic that delve more into specific application. You really should check them out. There are apparently SEVEN love languages of teens! Come on! We all need help with that one!