Blink, and it’s gone!

When I was a child, I can remember my mom telling me about her memories of her parents going out on date nights when she was a child. She remembers hearing her mother scheduling the babysitter days in advance. It was usually a Friday night when they’d go out, so she would watch her mother put on nice clothes and sit at the kitchen table painting clear polish on her nails to look pretty and fancy for my Grandpa. They would go out to dinner and dance the night away while my mom and her brother played with the babysitter until they were put to bed.

Then I have my own memories of my own parents making their date nights happen. We had some fun babysitters to choose from, some older cousins and some local teenaged girls who would watch us. I’m pretty sure one local teen girl in particular is the reason I don’t like potatoes. Who knows? My baby book says I was about 18 months old when I stopped liking them. The irony is that my adopted daughter was 18 months old when she stopped liking them!

When we kids got older and were involved in various activities, date nights still happened for them. But I remember them sometimes having to be put off for football games and band competitions and concerts. It’s the life of any parent. I totally get it. Kids need our supportive parental presence in their lives and in their interests. My daughter is 6 1/2 (don’t forget the half! She’ll quickly remind you of it, lest you neglect). She’s involved in Tae Kwon Do, gymnastics, horseback riding, American Heritage Girls, church activities, CHEACC, play dates. We have family dinners once a week with our oldest daughter who lives on her own. We fit in as many trips to visit my family as we can, spend time with my in-laws as often as we can, volunteer at our church, help friends in need, get together with friends socially, maybe not as often as we’d like.

We are busy. It’s kind of the typical life of an American family these days, good or bad. But our kids are also learning how to be married by watching us. I want my daughters to have the very best marriages, so I have to be seriously intent about showing them how.

But we are pointedly, directly, intentionally scheduling date nights for us as a couple. Why, you ask? It’s not like we aren’t together all the time. It’s not like we don’t talk, well sort of talk…..in between events……..once the bath/bedtime routine stars………we kind of say hi. It won’t be long, after all, that my little girl won’t need my constant attention and I’ll miss those tiny hugs and demands from the other room to find her lost unicorn.

I’ll blink, and she’ll be grown. I’ll blink and this will be gone. I’ll be in the next phase of life with adult kids and aging issues and grandkids. But, what kind of relationship will I have with my spouse by then? Oh, he knows I love him. I’m ready whenever he’s ready physically. I cook nightly dinners for my family out of the love I have for them all. I give him a peck on the lips when he leaves for work and when he comes home.

He knows I love him……doesn’t he?

I’ve heard of so many married couples who divorce after 25-30 years of a marriage that appears on the outside to be marital bliss. I’ve heard of yet others who resort to infidelity when they feel left out or ignored. I mean, they’re doing life together and loving their families together. Somehow, they’ve come together to make the babies, so you know there was a connection there at the start. How is it possible?

I know that one reason is that they grow apart, because they haven’t taken the time to connect regularly. I’m not talking about physical connection. Sexual intimacy is important, fun, and a great blessing in a marriage. But it won’t carry a marriage relationship without non-sexual intimacy. There has to be more to our marriages than sex and doing things for our kids. If we don’t make a concerted effort, suddenly we will discover that we don’t even recognize the person we married so many years ago who has grown, evolved, and matured without our being part of it. Who is this person I’m living with? After the kids are gone, there better be relationship still left or we will be empty and removed from our spouses and confused as to why. It’s a real problem with a real solution.

DATE! Do you remember the butterflies in our tummies when we first met and fell for our hottie spouse? Do you remember the stolen glances and the fiery touches, the deep conversations where you shared your dreams for the future, your innermost desires and dreams? It was happening because you were alone together and talking with intent about each other and sharing your souls with each other. We didn’t just set the timer and go to dinner in time to get back to let the babysitter go and get back to life. No, we relished in each other’s presence. We examined every feature of our loved one, getting to know their faces, their body language, the language of their soul.

I’ve mentioned twice now the soul connection. We are each made up of three parts. We are Body, Soul, and Spirit. Body is kind of self-explanatory. It’s our physical presence, our appearance, our muscles, bones, skin, and hair. Our Soul is made up of our mind, will, and emotions. It’s our thoughts and desires, our feelings. Our Spirit is who we are created to be by God. It’s not changeable, except in relation to the development of our connection to or removal from God.

So, the soul connection we felt in the beginning was established through our emotions. We all know not to be led and directed by our emotions, but they are a part of us as created by God to connect us to life and to people. We can be controlled by our emotions and allow them to keep us flitting from job to job, relationship to relationship, investment to investment, leaving us driven by the wind, seemingly. Or we can choose to FEEL our emotions and acknowledge them, and use them to connect to life without letting them CONTROL our lives.

We have to be intentional about establishing and strengthening the emotional connection with our spouses over time so that the growing, evolving, and maturing process that happens naturally to us all throughout our lives doesn’t leave our loved ones behind in blind bewilderment to the changes.

I can hear you now. “Great, lady. So, you’re telling me to go clubbing and drinking and partying with my spouse like when we met. I don’t see how that will get us anywhere.” You’re right. That’s not connecting. If that’s how you found each other, that’s fine. It was a start. Whatever start you had, now you have to determine to grow together. It won’t happen if you don’t spend time together talking and enjoying each other’s company.

I like dreaming with my husband. He’s heard me ask crazy questions like, “If money was no object, where would you live? What country? What type of climate? What type of house?” In the beginning, he would get quiet and wonder if I was dissatisfied with where we lived and our home. I had to communicate that I love our home and where we live and have no desire to move. He had to trust that my dreaming was just my way of climbing into his mind and making a little camp for myself to be kind of on a conference call with his thoughts. You know, a conference call is where more than one person in more than one location is on one phone call sharing information. Men typically are not good communicators. It’s just not what society has decided is important to equip our young men with. So, I’ve had to learn to be creative in figuring out how his mind works. When I’m tired and feeling less creative, I may ask a simple question that he’s learned is my way of wanting to connect with his thoughts. I ask, “What do you think?” It’s not intended to find any one thing or address any one topic. It’s just a plea for connection to his Soul – his mind, his will, and his emotions.

Have you had this conversation? “Hi, honey. How was your day?” (You’re reaching out for conversation.) “Fine.” “Were you able to get the job you bid for?” (You are showing you paid attention to his work concerns.) “Yep.” “What did you get for lunch.” (You’re just reaching out for something, anything.” “Ham sandwich.” You give up, felling dejected.

Maybe woman are really from Venus and men are from Mars. Maybe men only get 5,000 words a day and women get 10,000,000……(ok, I exaggerated, a little…..sort of). Either way, you’re at a standstill in communication with your beloved. What on earth would you talk about on a date night, anyway? Well, I’m not saying it’s your fault. I’m actually saying that I see your effort. I identify with your struggle. I’ve had to learn (and am still learning, ever so slowly) about the difference between open-ended questions and closed.

“Hi, honey. How was your day?” Closed. He’s only thinking fine or not fine.

“Hi, honey. Welcome home. What was the highlight of your day today?” Open. He’s got to think and answer something more.

“Were you able to get the job you bid for?” Closed. It’s a yes or no answer.

“I was praying for you and the job you bid for today. Tell me how the conversation played out with the client and if he accepted the bid.” Open. He’s got to replay the events of the day with you.

“What did you eat for lunch.” Closed. It’s a ham sandwich kind of question.

“I went to the store today and got your favorite for dinner tonight, since I know you probably had a ham sandwich for lunch. It’s a great evening to celebrate your hard work for this family, my love.” Oh, you’ve really started the ball rolling now!

So, you’re too busy to get an official date night away from the kids. You’re financially too strapped to afford a babysitter and don’t live anywhere any family can step in for free to help. What to do? What to do? Oh, the horror! (Just kidding. I can hear my little one watching Word Girl in the background and it makes me kind of silly.)

I have some creative ideas for you. You may feel a little silly. You may even get a little laugh out of each other. But really, isn’t that one of the goals, to smile, to enjoy time together? So, your date night starts like this:

* There is an afternoon soccer game for one of your children and you all attend. During the game, see how many quick winks you can steal in your spouse’s direction. How many times can you reach over and touch his hand or his leg gently looking into his eyes?

* After the game, it’s time to take the family to Red Robin for burgers and ice cream. You can take a little risk and see if you can order for your spouse, showing how well you know them. (Be careful! This could backfire and show what you NEED to know.) Or you can share a dessert, stealing loving glances over the edge of the yumminess.

* Now, everyone is back home…..exhausted and sweaty. It’s bath time for the kids and unwind time for mom and dad. If the kids are at a safe age to be left alone for moments at a time, steal a passionate kiss and walk away with a coy smile. See how many times you can run into the room where your spouse is and give a playful kiss on the neck.

* The kids are in bed and the house is finally quiet. What to do, what to do? Hmmmm……..

It’s ok that date nights are occasionally thwarted by life. It happens. Just don’t let life thwart your marriage. Once the kids are gone, your marriage needs to be strong and ready for the changes to come. You can do it! Just remember, if you don’t, you’ll blink and it will be all gone. Connect. Communicate. Don’t just become two ships passing in the mist of life.