I’ve mentioned before that we are a blended family in many ways. When my husband and I first said, “I do,” we began our life with a teenager who lived with us half the time and her mother half the time. There were massive growing pains that we simply had to choose to get through. There were some pretty ugly times, but we have managed to come through to the other side with grace and maturity and a wonderful, strong, happy, love-filled marriage.
One of the things I was reflecting on recently was about the ways my husband and I parent so very differently. I’m all rules all the time. He’s happy with pretty much anything as long as the house doesn’t burn to the ground. (Those are his words, not mine.)
When his daughter would say or do something hurtful as a teenager, he would tell her that she must first apologize to the person she had hurt or offended. She would droop her shoulders and spend a bit of time pouting, but she would eventually suck up her pride and make the necessary steps to apologize. As a teen, they weren’t such heartfelt apologies as they were grudging obedience, but they were apologies none the less. It was a habit that was being established in her life that was to grow and mature into what is now a lovely character trait of hers that she handles so very well.
But back then, I would watch it happen from the outside as the step-mother and just cringe. I never really understood why it really bothered me so much, but I would just hurt for her as I watched her handle her emotions and pride and apologize. I would ask myself why he would require such a thing of her, even though I knew it was the right thing to do. It was my own struggle I was working through. Do you know that feeling I’m talking about? It was that feeling deep in my stomach that would ache for her struggle as I watched it all happen in front of me. I guess some would say I’m an empath. I don’t really know. I just know the revelatory information I have at this point so many years later.
I’m sure my parents made us kids apologize for things, surely. I don’t really remember. It was a very long time ago. I’m old. But what I’ve learned is that I truly stunk at apologizing. I was always searching for the ‘why’ of a situation, seemingly looking for a reason for my behavior. I always thought it was how to find the root of an issue and resolve it. What I was really doing was searching for a way to blame my bad actions on something….anything……just not me. I wasn’t just owning my wrongs and taking the time to suck up my own pride and simply say, “I was wrong. I’m sorry.”
Don’t misunderstand me. There is definitely a time and a place for digging up the root of a problem and dealing with it. It’s the only way to keep the same struggle from popping up over and over. Not dealing with issues is a sure fire way to go head to head with them again, and probably sooner than later. Deal with what needs to be dealt with, but take the time to separate the two issues. Apologizing for being wrong is a priority – or at the very least, makes another person feel the intention of their being a priority. Without apologizing for being wrong and blaming something or someone else, it causes the offended person to feel as if they don’t matter. They’re not even worth the time for a simple apology.
I’ve learned so much in my adult life that I guess I just had to learn the hard way. This is one of those things I had to learn the hard way. I’ve forced my youngest to apologize when she’s wrong. I still feel the same pain for her as she struggles with her pride to come to a place where she can apologize. But now, I can see that she’s coming into a healthy place where she can do it without being forced.
Recently, she had a neighbor friend over to play in our home. My daughter was just grumpy that day, I guess. She wasn’t grumpy before the little girl had come over. I wouldn’t have allowed her to have a friend over if she was grumpy ahead of time. That NEVER goes well with young children. But, she just wasn’t nice to the little friend………AT ALL. Well, of course I brought it to her attention. I also told her she was to apologize and fix her behavior or her friend would have to go home. Oh, the drama of getting to a place where she would apologize. You’d have thought I was telling her to kick a puppy, for crying out loud. Well, eventually she did. It ended well. But what a struggle!
But just the other day a friend of mine witnessed my child’s behavior and casually laughed it off as I “handled her” and “changed her disposition” as we mothers do. When she left, my daughter not only apologized to me but asked if I would call my friend so she could apologize to her as well. HALLELUJAH! I know it’s working. She’ll get there.
I’m not afraid to apologize anymore. It’s never fun, don’t get me wrong. But I do see how different it really is to own up to my faults, my mouth, my facial expressions of wrath (I went there, yes I did). I’m so very imperfect. And it’s ok.