I’ve been to China a few times before my husband and I married. Because we were such good friends before we dated, I asked him to watch my house and collect my mail while I was gone each time. Of course, he always did. He’s just the kind of guy pretty much everyone can depend on to help in any situation. So, off I flew!
This was back in the very early 2000’s, and I haven’t been overseas in a few years, but at that time there was a significant delay when you were on the phone from China to the USA. It was about a 2-second delay, actually. Two seconds isn’t a huge amount of time, but it’s enough to put a damper on the flow of natural conversation. Imagine that delay when I called my husband (remember, we hadn’t married yet and ——-
There’s a funny backstory I just have to interject here. So, Valentine’s Day was the first date my husband and I went on together. That’s February. It was obvious to both of us pretty early on that this was probably the relationship God had for us and that we were destined to marry someday. Well, right around May he got a little overwhelmed and nervous about how quickly our relationship had escalated, and he broke it off. I was heartbroken, but I didn’t let it show. I wanted his friendship, even as painful as that was. It’s now June, and I’m headed off to China with him watching my house…..as friends, of course.
Well, this friend called that friend from China to check in and see how things had been going while I was gone. Don’t forget that delay in the phone lines! I’m waiting the few seconds to hear his greeting. Great! He’s there! It’s a 12-hour time difference. I know for a fact that I’ve woken him up in the middle of the night. But we’re friends, so it’s ok. Teehee! He tells me, in and out of this delay, that he has held a dinner party with our mutual friends at my house, has been in every room in my house praying for me while I’ve been on this trip, and……….here’s the funny part……….how he’s decided that he doesn’t want to live the rest of his life without me! Delay……..delay……….while I remember to breathe, decide that the words are real, decipher whether or not he’s making a strange joke that I don’t understand……..delay……delay……….
Ok! So, I’m getting married! Oh, dear. What am I going to tell my mother? I just told her we weren’t seeing each other anymore. And how protective she is after my ugly divorce. Oh. And I’m in China, where she doesn’t want me to be in the first place. And I’M GETTING MARRIED!
Ok, that was a fun memory. A two-second delay on the phone is annoying but certainly not a conversation-killer, or worse, a relationship-killer. But what about those delays we choose to cause when we have some sort of disagreement or when our feelings get hurt and we hold our loved one at arm’s length, maybe even giving them the silent treatment? What about those times we decide to withhold sex?
I’ve been there. This is what would go on in my head, “If he loves me, he should know that I need….,” or, “Why does he always leave the date night planning for me? Doesn’t he care and want to spend quality time with me?” Even the littler issues, “I cooked this dinner after a long day and he doesn’t bother to say a word of thanks or even that it tastes good,” or, “He hasn’t said more than ten words to me since he’s gotten home and now he just expects me to perform in the bedroom after the stressful day I’ve had.” How about when we leave subtle hints around the house, like a magazine open to a certain page of something we are interested in? Or a book that deals with an issue your husband should be fixing in himself (hmmmm, is that really our job?)?
Of course, none of this actually gets said out loud in calm conversation. It gets bottled………and tamped………and stirred……………until one day…………it blows. “What about meeeeeee?” screams in my head. Suddenly, a two-second delay on the phone in China seems like an immediate response to the delay that’s been created in my marriage relationship. These are the times wrong thoughts can come into our minds, wrong relationships online or with coworkers can become something dangerous.
What if, instead of expecting our loved one to “just know” what we need or what we feel or what we think, we just sit down together calmly, maybe at the end of the day when the kids are in bed, maybe when the kids are in the tub (that’s my favorite time), and just talk calmly with each other about it? We can look at our spouse without the escalated emotions of these things piling up unspoken and just express our thoughts respectfully (uh oh. I’m probably stepping on some toes with that word). That means that we choose not to demean, name call, or yell at our spouse. We communicate with all the love we felt on our wedding day in our pretty dress with our hair coiffed perfectly and our friends and family watching our every move. Guess who else is watching how you deal with this now. Your kids. Your friends. Your family. What’s your testimony you’re leaving about who you are and how you treat others?
We’ve all watched “chick flicks” from time to time, right? I can’t stand them. They’re based on this convoluted idea of romance. Girl meets boy. They flirt. They play coy (not the fish, that’s koi). They start to date (and I use that term oh-so-very loosely – it’s much more that they simply get naked and bump uglies). Then, girl decides she’s going to be rude. She starts to figure out that there are better, more qualified fish (wait, maybe it was koi) in the sea. They break up. He’s dejected. She plays mind games. She manipulates him. She’s a rude, selfish, promiscuous jerk to him. THEN! Somehow, these writers decide he’s going to welcome her back with open arms, after she’s treated him like dirt. And, they live happily ever after. It’s no wonder there are so many failed relationships!
We CANNOT behave like we are in the movies. Not communicating and expecting our spouses to understand our subtle hints about what we want is nothing more than manipulation. In the Bible, there was a woman named Jezebel, who used her womanly charm to manipulate and get everything she wanted out of her man. He was the powerful king Ahab who justly ruled the Jews, until she came along and messed with his head, disregarding the humanity of those he ruled. She made a huge mess of things. And we can too when we mess with people’s heads this way! Personally, I’d rather not be known as someone who manipulates anyone, much less my husband, to get what I want out of life. How much more wonderful to be able to lovingly speak honestly with him, state my wants and needs, only to find that he respects me enough to NOT ONLY give me those needs I express but also those that lie deep within my heart that only my husband who holds they keys to the innermost sanctums in my heart can access?
If he’s been tricked into giving me anything, do you think he’ll be ready and willing to reach out with more? No, probably not. He’ll be more protected. He’ll be more withdrawn from me. He’ll be looking for other tricks he thinks I’ll be playing. Men have hearts that are fragile. Our society doesn’t teach them to be very sensitive and put their emotions out to be judged, lest they are hurt and broken. If we act as if we are in some ridiculous chick flick or sit com where men are portrayed as idiots tolerated by women for procreation, they’ll start acting like those men. It’s emasculating. And it’s the breakdown of the fabric of the family. I made the decision years ago to stop watching those types of things. I don’t want it finding a home in my head and using my abilities against my family. I can manipulate. I can do it well. But I will NOT, by conscious decision, manipulate my family to get what I want.
The divorce rate in the US is around 65%. The divorce rate in the church is around 55%. I’m out to change it. I know how horrible divorce is first hand. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Let’s get together and change it. Let’s undo the damage that’s been done, whether simply in our society or from generations in our own families of destruction. It’s important. Really important.